The best way to lie is to pull from previous memories.

For example, if I had to fake a smile,

I would recall the last time I genuinely smiled,

Like the Thursday night I spent on a campus that wasn’t mine

Party hopping and giggling without a care in the world

Promising myself that I would allow myself the luxury of having fun more often

In fact, I would go out tomorrow night

That in and of itself was a lie

It’s an incredibly useful skill. I’ve honed my emotions for that very reason.

It’s a skill I use when I’m asked about you.

I call back to a time when I believed that I was over you

A time when I believed that I could live without you.

A time when the only thing I felt was contempt and anger

A time when I was sure you no longer meant anything to me

I pull on the threads of frustration, exasperation, indignation- all the ations

And sew together a curtain that shields me from the truth.

The best way to lie to yourself is to have hope

Hope that no one sees that through the curtain.

Behind it,

There’s a girl sitting in her dressing room, eyes glassed and breath bated,

Hoping that you’ll come back to raise it.

Hoping that she and you would perform a play more in line with her hopes.

Hoping that there was a resolution to the situation in which we stayed together.