you are no lover of mine

they are curious so that is what i sate their hunger with

by definition, you are no lover of mine

do not refer to him as my lover, i say

he is no lover of mine

on this plane, you are no lover of mine

my dream state sings a different tune

in all these months, seldom did i dream of you

but lately, in my silent time of need

you visit me in my sleep

and you sit by my side

and i can’t remember if we exchange syllables or not

but your presence feels like a hug

i find comfort in the thought that i might speak to you one day

not about what happened

just about my day, and the things i think

my stomach pangs for a conversation with you

banter with you

for ebb and flow with you

i find a thought floating in my mind

that no one can understand me the way you can

from the angle you can

you are no lover of mine

but i hold the thought of you dear

and i wonder what it would be like if you were

it is something i’ve told myself time and time again to not desire

to find revolting and to distance myself from

im disappointed in myself

i wonder if this is obsession

i consider myself a madwoman

i suffer at my own hand,

stabbing my own thoughts in between my ribs

in hopes to bleed out the habit of thinking of you in such a manner

and when i pray

your name flees from my tongue

i ask God to guide you

and surround you with love where i cannot reach

do not refer to him as my lover, i say!

he is no lover of mine

there’s a photo of you

that I should not know of

it may kill me to look at it one day

it may be killing me now

it prickles at my chest and makes my bones scream

clad in black cotton, angelic still without trying

you don’t try, it’s easy for you

i envy your apathy

the level of distance you keep from me

the emotion that you can keep contained and tucked within you

it’s also possible that these emotions don’t exist in your world

after all,

i’m no stranger to feeling alone

to being crazy

after all,

you are no lover of mine